She had many flaws; among them was the ability to love. When she loved, it consumed both the lover and the loved. She didn’t know how to limit or control her love, to the point of suffocating those she cared for. As she saw how she suffocated them, how she slowly choked them, as she saw how her love killed, it killed her inside as well. She felt like a monster, a monster who, although with good intentions, destroyed everything that it ever came in contact with. Perhaps she wasn’t a monster, she thought, due to those good intentions. But those good intentions were always overshadowed by actions, and those actions were always led by fear, and those fears were led by insecurities, and those insecurities seemed to control everything nowadays; therefore, she was a monster. A monster that desired to be nothing more than human.
Her childhood, although filled with happy moments was dominated by abuse and violence. Perhaps that is why those happy times were only moments to her. Abuse and violence became normality, and happiness became a made-up falsehood, created in the mind in order to survive. She didn’t know what true happiness was. She didn’t know what love truly was. Love was introduced to her in the most intrusive, manipulative, harmful way, a way she had not chosen to experience it. But the time came when she discovered how love truly felt, thus discovering happiness as well, and that time became her death sentence, for such beauty does not come without a price and that price is pain. And it was in the midst of that pain that she desired that she had never come to know what true happiness felt like, in order to be able to recreate the false happiness she had clung to as a child. She had known how to survive a lie, but now she did not know how to survive the truth. The daily battle with the truth tortured her; it was then that she morphed into a monster, uncontrollable, unpredictable, unlovable. Or so she thought, and hoped it wasn’t so. She hoped she could be loved so that maybe then she could become human, a true person; not only become one, but feel like one too.
